Sunday, November 24, 2013

Disappointment

About a month ago I was up in New York City for fall break. Some of my class mates, a professor, and I were all attending the AES (Audio Engineering Society) convention. This event happens every year, and it's a blast! For about 3 1/2 days there are seminars given on all aspects of audio and music, and there's a HUGE exhibit floor with the largest selection of microphones, preamps, recording consoles, and audio gear you could imagine. It's a gear head's dream come true.


ASU Music Industry students and alumni in front of a fountain in Central Park 

While we were in the city, a good friend of mine and I got the chance to go to, hands down, the best show I've ever been to. A week before the trip he had come to me and said there were rumors going around on Twitter that Arcade Fire (posing as The Reflekters) was going to be doing a "surprise" show in Brooklyn. He continued to stalk social media sites, and the morning we left for the City he scored our 2 tickets. A part from having that prized piece of paper, you had to be wearing costume or formal attire in order to get into the show. All of these little nuances  about the show continued to come out, and man were we getting pumped!

There were so many great things about that show. We stood in a 4 block long line for close to an hour and a half with other dressed up and costumed concert goers. There were masked men in formal attire, dinosaurs, and an Andy Warhol, just to name a few. two of my favorite high-lights from the show were a surprise stage and an after show dance party. The venue where the show was held was in East Williamsburg, Brooklyn, a real hipster neighborhood. The funny thing about the venue is that it really wasn't a venue at all; it was a warehouse art space. Imagine a large rectangular room with concrete floors, bare walls, and support beams littered throughout the space. When we entered the building we were coming in from one of the shorter ends of the room, the longer two walls on our left and right. Heavy black curtains covered the longer walls with a bar and a merch table set up along the right wall. The stage was directly in front of you as you walked in, parallel with the entrance. The curious thing was where the front of house was located. It wasn't directly out front of the stage but over off to the right facing the longer left wall. After standing for another hour or so three of the band members walked out on the small stage wearing paper mache heads in their own likeness. They began to play and everything sounded terrible; feedback loops were coming from each musician. Next thing I knew my friend was guiding me over to face the left long sided wall. SWOOSH! The curtain fell and there was a massive stage.


The Reflekters show in East Williamsburg.



After their performance the lead singer announced that there would be no encore. Instead of sharing more live music with us they were going to come out in the crowd and have a dance party. A large portion of the audience was upset and disappointed; they started booing. I would estimate that about 3/4 of the crowd left. We stuck around, despite our inability or interest in dancing, to see what was going to happen. It was trippy,man. A pinata came out of no where! It was in the shape of an iPhone and had a Spotify icon featured on what would be the home screen. The lead singer chose people at random to hit the pinata, but once it was cracked nothing came out. I'm still at a loss as to what sort of social statement this was supposed to be making. We stuck around for about another half hour, after which a drum circle began, and we exited shortly there after.

While we were at the show  I got a text from my mom. I'm sure some of you are wondering how it is that I even use a cell phone. Just to clear things up and take this opportunity to inform, I navigate my computer and cell phone with a screen reader. This technology allows me to interact with these devices via my keyboard and different gestures on a touch screen. The screen reader, basically, narrates, audibly, what is going on on my screen. When I'm some where that it's loud, like say a concert with 1800 people, it becomes a little difficult to hear my phone read something to me. Often I keep earbuds with me in order to maintain my own privacy and be able to actually hear my phone, but I'd come to EAst Williamsburg, Brooklyn, with as little as possible. So, I figured  I'd wait until we were out of the show to read and respond to my mom.

My friend and I stood on the platform waiting for the L train some time around 1 AM. We were still in shock that we had been able to participate in such an incredible show! I unlocked my phone and read the message from my mom. She had finally heard from my oncologist about the pet scan I had had taken 3+ weeks earlier. The results were spectacular, and they had informed my mom that I was cancer free. My good friend and I stood in shock on the platform. He gave me a hug, after which I just continued to stand there staring at my phone in disbelief. The next morning I spoke with my mom and she continued to share with me that I wasn't going to have to go through radiation. There were so many giggles shared between my friends who had come to New york with me and I, those "No, stop it, you're kidding," kind of giggles. We couldn't believe it!

Fast forward a week later. I had gone in for my sixth chemo treatment. A good family friend had offered to go with me to treatment, but she was going to have to drop me off and come back a little later because of a previous engagement. I wasn't bothered or concerned, because the routine would be for me to check in, visit with my oncologist and discuss my now spectacular news, and then head back into the treatment centre. It would be no problem going in alone. Right? Wrong.

What my oncologist had to share with me was contradictory to the news my mom had received. Now is the time when, if we were in a movie, the sad, tender, string music would begin to play, or maybe just no music at all for the rest of the scene. My oncologist shared with me that, even though the results from the scan looked marvelous, the mass where my lymph nodes are was still too large. I would need to finish out chemo and then go through a number of rounds of radiation in order to diminish the size of the mass. It was too soon to say that I was "cancer free," because the scan couldn't accurately show weather or not there were still microscopic cancer cells in my body.

The emotions that I've experienced in the last 4 months have covered a large spectrum. Most of them I can't even express in words. It's very interesting to me how they've shifted. Something will trigger a sense of fear and lack of control, I'll become overwhelmed and disoriented, I'll gain some perspective, take a step back and then start crawling, or even taking baby steps, forward. I've shared with several people how amazed I am at my own self. I never would've expected to be in such good spirits like I am right now. None of this is to say that the hard stuff, the stuff that's caused me to lose it, or shut down, or be angry aren't real, because all of these emotions are real. All of what I'm trying to say, what I hope people can begin to understand, is that my only constant is this belief in the intangible... A reliance on something so very much bigger than my emotions. This constant is the Holy Spirit, and man how my perception of endurance has changed.

This past Tuesday I celebrated the completion of my chemo treatment. It's almost been a week and I'm still reminding myself, "Hey, guess what, you're done with chemo!" I'm still discouraged and confused about how my oncologist and his staff could miscommunicate such important and weighted information. I still don't understand why this disappointment had to be a part of my story. But, I'm not going to mull over the "why?" I might never know the "why?". These unanswered questions are a part of life, and they're certainly a part in building and testing faith. Yeah, I could sulk and remain in a pit of unhappiness and anger, but that won't change my circumstances. I am not in control. My Creator has given me a chance to revel in His abilities, and I'm so ecstatic to be able to brag about Him.

The game plan you ask? 17 days of radiation are the next step. Thankfully, the doctors tell me that radiation has fewer side effects. I'll be completing this portion of treatment back home with some of my family, and this I am also grateful for. All of this is also concluding around the same time as me finishing school. I'm not finished finished because I still have that internship to complete before actually walking across a stage and receiving my diploma, but as it stands right now a internship hasn't been secured. I'm sure I'll be able to share more on that later.

I want to leave you with the two pieces of scripture that have helped hold me together for the last 4 months. I hope that whatever it is that is testing your faith right now that these verses may be of some encouragement to you too. 

So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you!  Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will  receive all that He has promised

-Hebrews 10:36-36

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

-1 Peter 1:6-7

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